Odd Little Shorts
by The Odd Little Turtle
Summary: Drabbles written for Wednesday Prompts at the ME Challenge LiveJournal.  Short, badly written and mostly stupid.  You've been warned. Features a good chunk of Joker, Ashley, Kaidan, Shepard, and James Vega but I make fun of other characters too.
1. An Embarrassing Injury

_Drabbles/short-shorts that I've written for me_challenge. Badly written and mostly stupid. You've been warned._

An Embarrassing Injury

Eden Prime's sun was just peeking up from over the horizon. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams dragged herself to the garrison mess hall, her ears perking up at the sound of Private Nerali Bhatia's laugh. It was a musical sound that always seemed to warm her heart.

The other privates at the mess table were all snickering, some out right laughing. Figuring she could use a laugh (or put a stop to their early morning antics), Ashley made her way to the mess table to see what was up.

She did a double take when Bhatia turned her head and looked at one of the privates, incredulousness painted over her smooth dark features. She asked, "How the hell did you get shot in the ass, Evans?"

Private Evans stammered a reply that had something to do with a misguided plow, some electrical tape and a rock and Ashley decided she didn't want to know. In fact, now she felt like a stiff drink.


	2. I Don't Have to Explain Myself to You

**Prompt: I Don't Have to Explain Myself to You**

07:22: [Proud2bWilliams has logged in]

07:22: [SR2PilotGuy has logged in]

07:23: SR2PilotGuy: Still mad?

07:23: Proud2bWilliams: I said I would listen. You have thirty seconds, Joker.

07:23: S: Oh, come on, Doll. I can't type that fast. Five minutes at least.

07: 23: S: We're still an hour out from the Omega-4 Relay.

07:24: P: Fine. Five minutes. Then I'm out. Timer is on, Joker.

07:24: P: What's the Omega-4 Relay?

07:24: S: It leads to the center of the galaxy. The Collectors' base is located there. We have no idea what we're going to find.

07:25: S: The Collectors are working for the Reapers. Hopefully, by putting an end to them, we'll stop the abductions. We might be able to find out what the abductions are all about. Shepard's hopeful that we'll find a way to stop the Reapers.

07:26: S: The colonists probably being experimented on. We have no idea what the Collectors want with them.

07:26: S: Cerberus head honcho says it's a suicide mission.

07:27: [Proud2bWilliams has logged out]

07:27: S: Ash?

07:27: [Proud2bWilliams has already logged out of this session. Would you like to send user an email?]

07:27: S: You there, Ashley?

07:27: [Proud2bWilliams has already logged out of this session. Would you like to send user an email?]

07:28: S: You said five minutes, Doll.

07:28: [Proud2bWilliams has already logged out of this session. Would you like to send user an email?]

07:45: [SR2PilotGuy has logged out]


	3. In Your Underwear?

**Prompt: In Your Underwear?**

"So there I was with this team of three losers and a turian that was greener than the warts on a krogan's arse. I shit you not."

Kasumi cocked her head to the side as she leaned against the bar, nimble fingers wrapped around her cocktail.

"In your underwear?" Kelly asked, playing with the little paper umbrella in hers. She stabbed at the asari fruit floating in the lavender and yellow drink.

Zaeed nodded, looked none-too-pleased to be interrupted. "I'm getting to that part," he told her, tossed back his drink. "I was the only one willing to go through the duct system to get the little bastard out. The turian was claustrophobic and the three shitheads with me were so terrified of the runt they wouldn't go near the ductwork." He shook his head, eying the two ladies at the bar in turn. "Had to rub down in gun grease in order to fit. Goddamn shit made my pores itch."


	4. Joy Ride

**Prompt: Joy Ride**

An explosion off to their right took them by surprise.

_The hell?_

Joker looked down at the sensors, his stomach plummeting to somewhere in the vicinity of his toes. "A gunship?" he asked incredulously as the ship's bullets began knocking out nearby cars. "In _traffic_?"

The 'Sun's were bad news, sure, but he hadn't realized how bad until they were hired to kill him.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" Ashley demanded from the backseat.

He studied the controls. "Uh." Taxis had built-in security systems that prohibited tampering - most of the time. A quick scan of the system as a speeding car further up ahead ricocheted off the side of a building and narrowly missed them proved that this particular make and model would be fairly easy to override, but -

He shook his head. "It's a taxi," he told her, gesturing at the controls. "It's got a governor switch. Tamper with the wrong system, and we could fall right out of the sky."

"And this would be a bad thing?" Ashley questioned. "We're over water. We could -"

"Yeah, drowning in a taxi sounds like such a fun way to go," he argued, popping a panel and eying it. The VI gave a warning signal, and he glared over his shoulder at Ashley. _I told you so._

She huffed. "And becoming a fireball would be better?"

His response was another glare.

"Just hack the thing," she ordered.

A rocket impacted an aircar further up the way, and the decision was made. He popped another panel - got another warning - and felt more than saw Ashley's triumphant smirk as she handed him a canister of omni-gel.

He was too busy crossing circuits and rerouting subroutines and shook his head. This way was definitely faster. "System's too delicate for that stuff."

"Shepard and Alenko used to swear by this crap," she murmured, re-attaching the canister to her utility belt.

"I'm not Shepard or Kaidan. And I don't have a handy-dandy make-it-go-boom kit if it doesn't work."

Ashley produced a Mark 6 hand grenade, and Joker shrank back, horrified and emphatically shaking his head.

"No. Uh-uh. No way." She didn't take it away, merely held it over his shoulder. "Please, for the love of God, put that thing away. Explosions are only cool if _I'm not in them._"

She frowned and put it back on her belt.

He felt the need to continue his diatribe as he hacked the taxi's systems to make it go faster. Maybe then she wouldn't feel the need to give him another heart attack. "Watching explosions on spy-vids is awesome. Sovereign exploding was more awesome. Getting blown to ribbons by a grenade set off from _the inside_ a flying car would _not_ be awesome. It would suck."

"I get it; I get it," she complained.


	5. Noodle Incident

**Prompt: Noodle Incident**

"Oh, c'mon, feel the love."

Shepard shot Joker a glare that would have made most men wither - and it usually worked on him. Why it wasn't now was lost to her, and it irked her to no end.

"Forget it."

"But-"

"Wabash Cannonball."

Joker looked away a moment. "Hey, that would have worked if Garrus and Tali were standing in the right place."

"And what about the _super glue_?" she questioned. "With the onions and spaghetti?"

He shook his head. "Oh, no way! You're not pinning that one on me." He crossed his arms. "That was completely Mordin's idea. He wanted to answer some physics question that's been plaguing him for years."


	6. She's a Little Trigger Happy

**Prompt: She's a Little Trigger Happy**

_Boom._

_Squeeeek!_

_Boom._

_Squeeeek!_

Miranda's perfectly sculpted brow raised a fraction. "Is the Commander alright?"

_Boom._

_Eeeek!_

_Boom._

"Damn it!" _Boom._ _Baddda-Boom._ _Baddda-Baddda-Badda-Boom._

Garrus shrugged. "You might as well let that one go, Shepard. You're running low on-"

_Boom._

Garrus ducked away from the krogan turret as Shepard swung the thing near the encampment. "Damn it, Shepard. Don't incite a clan war over a damn _monkey_."

Wrex guffawed. "That's what I like about Shepard. She was always a little-trigger happy." He nodded sagely. "Follow her for the best fights."


	7. Joker's Extranet Bookmarks Revealed

**Prompt: Joker's Extranet Bookmarks Revealed**

Shepard cocked her head to left. Then to the right. Then to the left again. Her thin eyebrow was so high on her brow from trying to decypher what she was viewing that Joker thought it might fly right off her forehead.

"Yeahbuhwha?" she finally managed, and Joker, currently scrunched up in his chair (_thank the Great Noodle for leather seats_) and a pleasant shade of red-going-on-purple, put his face in hand.

"What were you expecting?" he asked finally, his voice muffled by his hand.

She was quiet a moment. "Well, when EDI said, 'technically illegal'..." She trailed off, and he rolled his eyes.

"Just because it's illegal to post cat pictures on turian extranet sites," he grumbled remembering the Tweety Bird Meme that had gone viral.

"Awww," Shepard finally cooed when the kitten from the video they were currently watching fell on its face and mewed.

Joker didn't think his face could get any hotter.


	8. Two Prompts: Ring and Healing

**Prompts: Ring, Healing**

As much as Shepard trusted Dr. Chakwas' medical prowess, she hated having to be examined by the woman. It didn't matter how small the problem, Dr. Chakwas managed to convince all those under her care to strip.

Like now.

_You've got to be shitting me._ Shepard stared at Dr. Chakwas as though she had grown an extra head and possibly tentacles, then spat exactly what she was thinking, the commander's face returning to its "natural" stoic state.

"No," the doctor told her. "No shitting, Shepard." She dabbed some ointment on the red-ringed rash on Shepard's exposed forearm. "I'll have the engineering team recalibrate airlock. For now, no scratching. Anywhere you touch after scratching will..." Dr. Chakwas trailed off at Shepard's look of terror.

Brandishing the ring worm ointment like a weapon of mass destruction, the doctor promptly told her commanding officer to strip and show her all the possibly infected places.

_Damn it._


	9. Kaidan and His Family

**Prompt: Kaidan and His Family**

"What?" Kaidan's head whipped around fast enough to hurt. The tingling in his neck did nothing to assuage the shock from the words his mother had just spoken.

"Don't 'what' me, Kaidan," she said crossly. The comm terminal's output blurred her face a bit - he couldn't see the lines around her mouth or eyes, but he knew they were there.

"No, ma'am," he conceded.

She said nothing a few seconds. And then: "But what about that _Michael_ fellow?"

_Gah!_

Kaidan rubbed his temples. "Tell Dad I said, 'Hello.'"

"Kaidan."

"I've got to go," he said. "I'm shipping out today."

His mother beamed. _Beamed._ "I saw the vid. It's all over the 'net. The _SSV Normandy_, is it?"

"Yes, ma'am." He looked at her a minute in silence. "Bye, Mom."

"Bye, sweetheart. Say, 'hello' to that Michael fellow of yours for me." With that, she cut the connection.

If his mother knew he preferred asari to human men, he wondered what her reaction would be.


	10. Thane's Coat

**Prompt: Thane's Coat**

They were on Horizon when Thane fell, his body ripped by husks. Shepard ran, biotically-smashed and shot at the things to no avail.

The countdown to get the GARDIANs online seemed last forever. Shepard couldn't get to him. Try as the Commander might, the drell's body lay where he'd fallen.

Then the cannons fired great blasts at the massive ship.

When the ship left the atmosphere, charring the field it had landed in, Shepard raced to where Thane had fallen. Garrus was patching up the drell assassin.

"Let's not do that again," Thane said, a mixture of humor amid horror. "Or next time let's save more than half."

Shepard nodded wholeheartly. "More than half."

"I think you owe me a shopping trip," Thane said. It was at this point that Shepard realized that Thane had also hit his head.

Shepard agreed with Thane just to keep him talking, to get him back to Dr. Chakwas. "Sure. I'll even buy you a new coat."


	11. Kaidan and Shepard Drabble

**Prompt: I Don't Think Its Supposed to Look Like That, Commander**

Kaidan, fresh (and exhausted) from drill duty with the rest of his squad of marines, rounded the bulkhead and stopped in his tracks. There was an unusually large crowd in the Normandy's mess. It looked like most of engineering, part of the bridge crew and a few of the techs from CIC. Even Joker was there leaning on his crutches.

Kaidan was about to speak up and break up whatever it was they were doing, but spotted Pressly among the crowd of personnel, and if Pressly had sanctioned this gathering then Kaidan definitely wanted in on it. There had been too little time lately to relax.

"So, what is it?" Ashley's voice floated up from amidst the crowd. It sounded like she was sitting at the mess table. Shepard's throaty chuckle was the reply.

Now, Kaidan was especially curious and nudged his way in. To his dismay, Shepard was sculpting a - _yeah, what was it?_ – out of the smashed potatoes on her tray.

"You can't tell?" Shepard asked, her voice cool and amused. There were several snickers to Kaidan's left, and he took note of the culprits in case he needed to for later. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Pressly jot down something on his datapad and had to suppress a grin. If he didn't get them, the Normandy's XO would.

"Well, it's…" Ashley started but stopped, as she tried to figure out what it was that Shepard was sculpting and not look like an ass. "It's creative, Skipper," she opted.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "It's the Citadel," she announced with a smile. Confused faces greeted her and her lump of mashed potatoes.

"I don't think it's supposed to look like that, Commander," Kaidan said before he could stop himself, and all eyes turned to him.

_Oh, damn._

"Uh, that is…" He cleared his throat.

_Ah, hell._

Kaidan took a breath and then stepped up beside her, grabbing a spoon. "How about this…?"


	12. Grunt Learns the Birds and the Bees

**Prompt: Grunt Learns About the Birds and the Bees**

"Birds and the...?" Shepard trailed off, eyebrow quirking in spectacular fashion. Had the eyebrow in question hiked any further, it more than likely would have flown off her forehead.

She blinked, looked at Garrus, who looked just as confused as she did - if not more so - and then over to Jacob, who looked neutral with his "not helping" facade in place, and then back at Grunt who had posed the question to begin with.

"The birds and the bees," she said, and swallowed wondering how the hell she was going to explain something like that to a prepubescent krogan, before coming to the conclusion that she was getting too old for this shit and glaring at both her alien squad mates and Jacob. "Birds are - flying creatures that lay eggs that aren't insects. Bees are insects. There. Learned."

"But, Battlemaster," Grunt said after a moment. "Why did Joker say I had to learn about them?"

"Extranet," Shepard said. "Look it up on the Extranet. Everything is on the Extranet. The Extranet is good for you."

It was Garrus' turn to ask a question. "Are you feeling all right, Shepard?"

"Garrus, mission," Shepard said, ignoring his question. "Focus." She popped a heat sink into her rifle for emphasis.


	13. Zaeed Takes Up a New Hobby

**Prompt: Zaeed Takes Up a New Hobby**

"Booties?"

Zaeed gave a long-suffering sigh, peering up with mixed-colored eyes at the convict.

"Go away, girl."

"Or what? You'll bore me to death on how you survived and your shooting buddies didn't?" Jack waltzed in and took a seat by Jessie.

Zaeed's nostrils flared. Not at the jibe - it wasn't as good as some of the others the little bitch had thrown his way in the last few days - it was the fact that she was a little too close to Jessie for his comfort.

He ignored it and went back to what he was doing.

Jack said nothing a moment, which bothered him. She was only quiet when she was up to something. Zaeed looked up from his project to her shit-eating grin.

"Yes, booties," he said. "The pattern was free of the Extranet."

Jack cackled. She didn't know what was funnier - the merc was cheap or the merc was knitting baby booties.

"Doc Chakwas says my blood pressure's up, and this is supposed to relax me."

Jack cackled louder.


	14. Bugs

**Prompt: Bugs**

Thresher Maws were the worst kind of bugs, Shepard thought as she ducked behind a pillar as Grunt hooted in delight.

It was always bugs. And not just any type of bugs; it was always, _always_ the kind of bugs that wanted to eat her.

Mindoir had a blood-sucking moth-bat that resembled a huge fucking earth mosquito but was fuzzy like a tarantula (and about the same size). The bite was poisonous to humans - if you were allergic and most were.

Elysium had spiders. Or the alien equivalent. Eight legs, chitin, mandibles, and spinnerets classified them as spiders to the human inhabitants. They were also blood-sucking.

Tuchanka, it seemed, not only had a huge-ass thresher, but had bugs that exploded when their innards mixed with oxygen. Those were fun. Calleigh missed having a payload of grenades. The fight wouldn't have lasted as long as it did.


	15. I Like Big Booms & I Cannot Lie

Prompt: Ashley's Good Day

"This," Shepard stated, "is a particularly shitty day." She sighted down the scope of her Volkov X-75 sniper rifle and made a clicking sound with her tongue as she watched the cluster of geth at one of the nodes three hundred meters away.

Whatever the atmosphere was pelting them with - _ammonia_ _rain?_ Ashley thought - it was smacking the tops of their helmets, drizzling down their face plates and sloshing across the strange pink plantlife where Shepard and Ashley lay prone. The rain made visibility through their helmet's visors nearly impossible. Thankfully, the sensor suites built into the rifles interfaced with the hardsuits computer.

Infrared, ultraviolet, x-ray and normal light all projected to the screen on the visor? Pffsh. Naturally. It made everything... shiny.

And colorful. Like licking a drell on a dare. Not that Ash would ever confess out loud to that crazy stunt.

Or that it had been Joker who had dared her. Or how incredibly drunk they'd been. She was pretty sure there had been kissing, but for the life of her, Ash couldn't remember if she kissed Joker, the drell, the bartender, or the asari dancer. And she wasn't going to ask.

Nope.

_"We'll never speak of that again," Ash had commanded Joker the morning after with all of the authority of an incredibly limp noodle. Then had promptly puked_ green. _Thankfully, what Joker had been puking up in the next john over was just as delightful._

"Aw, Skipper," Ash said, not looking up from the scope of her own Volkov. She was watching Kaidan's ass. Quite literally, actually. _Shiny_. He and Garrus were about knee-deep in the muck nearest the node cluster planting a rather fun cocktail of explosives. Two left to blow the damned geth base to Heaven and back. "It's _Valentine's Day_."

Shepard shifted and Ashley could all but feel her expression of disgust. "Shitty." She was quiet a moment. "Valentine's Day was yesterday."

"_Zulu_, Skipper," Ash reminded her. "Zulu time. Even the mighty Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy SR-1 can't escape time. Just because on this planet 'today' is tomorrow and the next day and the day after that isn't an excuse. It's Valentine's Day. Just ask Joker."

"Still Valentine's Day here, Commander," Joker's voice broke in over their comms.

"See?"

They were quiet as they surveyed Kaidan and Garrus' work as the two techs moved to the next location to plant their explosives. So far, the geth hadn't noticed them.

"Got any poems for today?" Shepard asked after about an hour of lying there in silence soaking in the ammonia rain, surprising the Chief.

Ash snorted. "Skipper, poetry was _created_ for Valentine's Day." Not an accurate statement, but Literature 101 or Romance 101 weren't the Skipper's forte. Skipper's forte was blow it as high as possible, pray and spray it, and squish it with biotics. Then ask questions.

Lots of questions.

Shepard's idea of romance was, well, Ash really had no fucking clue as to what Skipper's idea of romance was. Or why she thought Valentine's Day was so shitty, but then again, being stuck in deadly rain on a planet in the Traverse with pink plants and two squad mates planting bombs on a geth base three hundred meters away was a pretty shitty way to spend the holiday that was supposed to be full of romance.

However, the rose in Ashley's locker with a handwritten _(seriously, who _writes_ these days?) _note made Valentine's Day all the more special. Even if she was stuck in deadly rain on a planet in the Traverse with pink plants and two squad mates planting bombs on a geth base three hundred meters away.

But the best part was the fireworks.

The boom was going to be _spectacular_.

_Six hundred less flashlight heads._

And that, more than anything (even the rose), made today a good day.


	16. Space Cow Rodeo

Prompt: "I can see it now... 'First Human Spectre Trampled by Space Cows'"

* * *

Space cows were inelegant creatures. Part fox-dog, part raptor, part something else - all alien. They walked in a trotting, clownish gait, bumping into one another, bleating in a sing-song, mourning warble that was just as hard on the ears as their bodies were on the eyes.

Then as one, the herd began to move and the once inelegant creatures became a beautiful force of nature, waves of flaxen against muddy green.

Ashley swallowed. "Commander?" She looked back at the Mako sitting two hundred meters away. Today, of all days, she'd chosen to wear heavy armor. Today, of all days, they were running for their lives from a stampede of space cows on some backwater planet.

"How many do you think we can pick off before they overrun us?" Shepard called. She was farther ahead; damn her for wearing light armor; damn her for damaging her heavy armor on the last mission.

"Not enough!" Kaidan yelled. Damn him for wearing medium armor. Damn him for having longer legs. He'd also recently upgraded his physics mods. Damn him for that too.

"Joker!" Shepard yelled. She had what suspiciously looked like a cryo grenade in her hand.

"You want me to take out space cows?" Joker asked. He sounded surprised.

"Not necessary," Shepard assured him. They were nearing the Mako. Unfortunately, the herd was almost on them. "Get into position for pick up. Hopefully, Normandy will scare them into another direction."

"On our way, Commander."

The marines made it to the Mako and rounded to the opposite side just as the first of the herd slammed into the vehicle.

Kaidan let out a surprised curse as he swung the door open then was forced to duck away from flying space cow feet when the Mako wasn't enough to stop the herd from bounding over it. Shepard pushed him and the three jumped in.

"They're not stopping," Ashley said in wonder.

Shepard shook her head, initiating the start up. If they didn't get out soon, the creatures would damage the engine. "I'm more worried about what startled them," she said.

"Big?" Kaidan asked, his fingers flying over the haptic adaptive interface.

"Huge."

Ashley spotted the behemoth shadow of... something, but couldn't make out the details. "McLarge Huge," she said.

"I can see it now," Shepard joked as the engine fired. "First Human Spectre Trampled by Space Cow." She let loose a volley of automatic weapons fire and the herd changed direction enough for the Mako to move. "Story of my life."


	17. Death, death, death, death, death, lunch

**Prompt:** Death, death, death, death, death, lunch

"Death, death and more death," Joker said around a full mouth of chow. It sounded more like, "def, def, un mrr def," and it was enough to drive Ashley to drinking.

So she did.

The energy drink really didn't have the bite she was looking for or the pleasant warm feeling as it ran down her gullet or the fuzzy vision alcohol produced after imbibing too many, but it forced her to focus on something other than the pilot. The terrible taste across her tongue did nothing to help her mood.

Serving on the Normandy was an honor, but...

Who the hell was this guy? She just got on this ship and this dude was already getting on her nerves. It just figured that he was the helmsman. And he wore a cover. And he had LT-pips on his collar. Just what she needed after everything that had gone down on Eden Prime.

At least he had elbows.

As he droned on and on and on about intricacies of flying over a battlefield, she toyed with the idea that he might be a lifer like she was, but the way he disrespected just about everyone but his second, Dr. Chakwas, and the Captain made her question whether he'd be served Big Chicken Dinner just for his mouth.

Captain's Mast at the very least.

Very, _very_ least.

When Navigator Pressly joined them in the mess, he leveled the helmsman with a stare, raising his eyebrow for effect.

"You're no fun, Pressly," Joker said, shoveled more food into his mouth. _Huh_. Ash would need to get Pressly around Joker more often. At least Joker had a modicum of respect for Pressly. Hardly anyone dicked with Pressly. Alenko had given her a short run down of who not to piss off. Pressly was one of them. He was good at his job and had his opinions.

_"Don't get on his bad side," Alenko had warned. "Let him warm up to you."_

The navigator gave a labored sigh. "The commander's out of commission and one of our colonies gets hit hard by geth, and you're shooting the breeze with one of the survivors like it's nothing." He crossed his arms when Joker looked at Ash confusedly. "Death, death, death, death, death-"

"Lunch," Ash interrupted. "Let's talk about lunch."

Pressly nodded. "Don't eat the shit-on-the-shingle. It's space cow; not the real vat-grown beef. Rogers put in the wrong order on Arcturus."

Ash looked down at her creamed chipped beef on toast with a frown. "Damn it. I thought it was stringy."

Joker handed her the horseradish. "Makes everything better."


	18. Salarian Pronz

**Prompt:** Salarian porn

Shepard blinked, silently mouthed the words Joker had just spoken before saying them aloud. "'Salarian porn?'"

Joker just shrugged. "It isn't for salarians. Apparently the industry is bigger in the krogan DMZ than it is in salarian space."

"That was entirely too much information, Joker," she told him.

"Just trying my hand at being an information broker," he told her with a grin.

"Stick to piloting."

"Yes, ma'am."


	19. What do you mean we're out of pancakes?

**Prompt**: What do you mean we're out of pancakes? _Language_ _warning_

Alenko hadn't trained under Gunny Ellison. Ash could tell that right away when he and Shepard had come charging around a boulder and had taken out the geth squad that had killed the Two-One-Two.

On the Normandy, Alenko was a quiet sort and kept to himself. Strong, weird sense of humor, all Ocifer. It wasn't until he glowed on Feros that she realized the marine was a biotic. And it wasn't until they were knee deep in the primordial muck on some Godforsaken planet fighting off geth and microbes _(Ohmygod, gross!)_ that she realized it was a good thing.

"What do you mean we're out of pancakes?" Shepard demanded, rummaging through what was left of the Mako as geth rained death around them. "We've got to have more grenades."

"You threw the last Mark IV, Commander," Gun Dog said from his position in cover next to Ash. After a round of enemy gunfire and mortar and Shepard's acerbic rant about the injustices of the situation - "Eat shit and die, motherfuckers!" among other colorful yet poignant phrases—Alenko had finally had enough, stood from cover and blew the fuckers over with his biotics.

Ash fell a little bit in love that day. Shepard fell a whole lot. Wrex only laughed and threw the final pancake, a Mark V incendiary with enough thermal paste to burn through all the standing geth and the armatures.

_I found this recently on my hard drive. I can't remember when this is from, but the where is the ME Challenge on LiveJournal._


	20. Blue is a flavor

**Prompt: Blue is a flavor**

* * *

Ashley eyed the drink skeptically. It looked too froo-froo for her. "What's in it?"

Joker grinned. "Rum, vodka, whiskey, schnaps, blue and-"

"Wait. _Blue_?"

"Blue." He pulled out an empty Azul tequila bottle.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "You've never drank a day in your life, have you?"


	21. Freezing

**Prompt: Freezing**

* * *

The cold was biting as they made their way to Peak 15's entryway. The blizzard blew chunks of freezing snow into their faces, clogging their visors in short order. Shepard's breath came out as white fog, lips chapping and nose turning red from the immediate drop in temperature from the Mako's interior to Noveria's cold, cold climate.

"I'm in an environmental suit," Tali complained, her teeth chattering, "and I'm still cold."

"Don't use up your power generator," Garrus advised. "No telling what we're going to find here."

"That would be why I'm cold," Tali told him, slowing her words as though she were talking to a child. _Or just an incredibly stupid turian._

"Enough, you two," Shepard admonished, drawing a shotgun. "Weapons hot."


	22. Mondays

**Prompts: Come next Monday, I feel like a bad joke**

* * *

"So this is a typical Monday on board?" Zaeed asked. The merc sounded bored.

Joker frowned. "Yeah, well the dancing elcor stripper had to have a day off sometime. You should see what EDI has planned for next Monday."

"I plan to have all the organics grovel on their knees," said the AI.

Both Zaeed and Joker looked sharply at the ball of blue then looked back at each other.

"That was a joke, right, EDI?" Joker asked.

"Yes, Mr. Moreau," EDI replied. "Should I have stated as such?"

"That would be great, thanks."

"That was a joke," the AI announced.


	23. MiniShep

**Prompt: MiniShepards**

* * *

Shepard blinked. _...the hell?_

Then she went back into the head and looked at herself in the mirror. Normal. Or what passed for normal these days.

She walked back out to her office and looked at the space hamster's cage.

_One, two, three, four, five..._

"EDI?" she called.

"Yes, Commander?"

"When did MiniShepard have babies?"

"Yesterday afternoon when you and the team were on Korlus."

"What," Shepard said, eying the cage. "But... no male..."

"Space hamsters do not require a mate to procreate."

"Ack."


	24. Oh yeah, it's pirate time

**Prompt: Oh yeah, it's pirate time**

* * *

"Omni-tool."

Joker snorted, eyed Jack suspiciously over his hand of cards. The first article of clothing he'd lost to the crazy biotic was his hat. She'd balanced it backwards on her head. The second thing she'd asked for was one of his leg braces. She'd strapped it to her boot. The third thing she'd asked for was his belt. She'd wrapped it around one of her arms.

"I think you hacked the deck," he finally accused. "And that's not an article of clothing."

She glared menacingly at him, and he thought for a moment she was going to jump over the table and beat him to death with one of his own legs. "You're wearing it," she told him. "Pay up, gimp."

He huffed and looked at Shepard, who was missing her belt, one boot and her jacket. "Commander," he complained, annoyed that it sounded whiny. But, damn it, he wasn't about to hand over his omni-tool to the crazy biotic bitch. No way.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Omni-tools don't count, Jack. Ask for something else."

"Fine," Jack relented after a few moments of trying and failing to stare Shepard down. "Underwear. Let's see what you've got, Joker." She licked her lips.

Joker spluttered and handed over his omni-tool. Jack cackled and accepted her prize.


	25. Sitting here drinking about you

**Prompt: Sitting here drinking about you**

* * *

"There you are."

Joker looked up from his whiskey, spared Ashley a blink then went back to sipping his drink. "Go 'way."

Ashley sidled up beside him and put a hand on her hip. "Thought you didn't drink because of your meds."

He finished off the glass then signaled the barkeep. The turian with the elaborate yellow face markings poured him another glass. Ashley crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Fine, don't answer," she told him. "How about this one: What are you doing here?"

"Sittin' here," Joker answered, took tentative sip of the glass of whiskey. "Drinkin' 'bout you."

Ashley raised an eyebrow. "How many rounds have you had?"

Joker weaved a bit then steadied himself by gripping... _oh. Aren't those nice._

"Personal space, Joker," she said removing his hand from her armor's chest plate. She didn't look mad, maybe annoyed. Or...

"You're pretty," he told her. It came out slurred and sounded more like, "Oh, purrdy." He frowned, weaved a bit more.

Ashley steadied him. "Anderson's going to have kittens," she grumbled, watching the helmsman.

In his inebriated state, Joker stared at her, his mind trying to comprehend the possibility of Admiral Anderson actually giving birth to kittens. He frowned. "Not possible," he said at last.

"I can't talk to you when you get like this," Ashley said with a sigh.


	26. Extranet Shopping

**Prompts: New Clothes, Comfort **

**(Insert your own character)  
**

* * *

**Terminal 4 / Q3490 - DP093785851**  
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PURCHASE RP334-A784: _After Dark Fashions brand: 1 pair, tube socks_

* * *

_This was supposed to be my Kitty Shepard, but it works for whomever you want. :)_

_Sock joke at the end is not intended to be regular sock joke. Other sock references are. :3 This particular character was actually looking for socks to wear at the end but decided she needed a pair. _

_____That's a BOOLEAN-type search, BTW. Minus signs to filter data. _


	27. Embarrassing Photos

**Prompt: Embarrassing Photographs**

**(language warning - Jack)  
**

* * *

Jack stared at the image on her omni-tool then looked back at the Thief. "You're one sick freak," she said, lit a cig-stick with a lighter she'd found on... wherever the fuck they'd just been. They came, they saw, they killed everyone; that's all that really mattered in the end.

Kasumi's smiled faltered somewhat. "That's a lot coming from you," she remarked drily.

Jack shrugged. "Not my type," she said, inhaled the cig-stick's fumes before blowing out the excess smoke. "Jacob will probably go all red and shit if he finds out."

Something in the ex-con's voice made Kasumi uneasy. "And you're going to tell him?" she asked.

Jack grinned, evil incarnate. "Probably."


	28. Snowflake

**Prompt: Snowflake**

* * *

When the Thresher Maw rose up out of the snow on Xawin, Liara shrieked in Ashley's ear. Even as Shepard throttled back on the Mako and ground the gears trying to throw the vehicle into reverse, Liara continued to shriek.

Wrex reached over and pinched a nerve on the asari scientist and she fell silent, out like a light.

"Loud little snowflake, isn't she?" he asked as Garrus loaded another 50 mm round into the canon.

Shepard turned the tank again, angling away from the Thresher. "You didn't kill her did you?" she asked.

"No, Shepard," Wrex told her. "She'll wake up with a headache in a little while." He fired off a volley of automatics at the beast looming on the targeting screen. "If we don't get eaten," he added.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Wrex."


	29. Think of Me

**Prompt: Think of me**

**(language warning)**

* * *

The flash was blinding, instant. Spots appeared before his eyes as he shut them tightly.

"What the hell, Williams?" Joker demanded bringing a hand to his lambasted eyes as Williams lowered her omni-tool.

Ashley's laugh was musical even in Joker's irritated state and that only served to irritate him more. He wasn't risking his damn career for a piece of NCO ass. It didn't matter that the NCO in question had a mighty fine ass, and he usually couldn't take his eyes off of it.

It surprised then aggravated him when he realized he was thinking about getting involved with her at just her laugh.

_No. No. No. No. No._

He'd been practicing being stand-offish, and she seemed to think that meant he wanted her in his personal space. What the serious fuck was that all about? The majority of the women on this ship had run immediately for high ground - helped that he outranked most of them. Why couldn't she take the hint?

His omni-tool beeped a message at him, and he wondered who the hell had the frequency on board because he sure as hell hadn't given it out. Spots gone, he glared at Williams from across the table before calling up his messaging program. She only grinned and went back to eating. And damn it if that little grin warmed something around his heart.

_No. No. No. No._

_Cold heart. Not thinking of Ashley Williams, damn it._

The message was from Ashley. _...the fuck?_It was the picture she'd just taken of him with his mouth open about to bite into his chow. He frowned as she chuckled at him. Didn't she have anything better to do? Like go the hell away?

"How the hell did you get my frequency?" he asked as he shut off his 'tool.

She shrugged. "Pre-programmed when Requisitions gave me a new one," she told him. "Something about everyone having everyone's frequency in case of ship wide communications failure. Or if the Captain was on a tear." She shook her head with a chuckle. "I heard Anderson was a hard ass, but damn."

"Well, un-program it," he told her curtly and her smile faded. He had to restrain himself from apologizing. Which made his mood that much more dour. The Joker didn't apologize for anything. The Joker was the best at everything, and the Joker was not about to feel sorry for ruining her mood as much as he liked to see her smile.

_Hell no._

"Damn, you've been grouchy lately," she groused, calling up her 'tool and doing as he ordered.

He didn't answer and let the silence loom over them before he finally spoke up again. "What was the holo for?"

"I get holos of everyone I meet," she told him. "Why not? They could be gone tomorrow." She said nothing more, tucked into her chow a little more aggressively.

He snorted. Sentimental bullshit. And his mouth had been wide open in that shot. Why at the mess and not on the bridge?

Joker watched her eat, his stare bold. Ashley hovered over her food like most marines he'd met, but there was something different about the way she held herself.

He grinned, ruthless, as he snapped a shot of her mouth open and sent it to her. It frustrated him when she didn't get vain about it but laughed heartily.


	30. Wild Ride

**Prompt: Wild Ride**

* * *

"This is _loco_."

Kaidan shook his head. He wondered how many times Vega had said that while he'd been away. At Shepard's shit-eating grin, Kaidan assumed "a lot" barely covered the surface.

"Take point, Lieutenant," Shepard ordered. Vega bit off something in Spanish that the translator didn't pick up and slogged through the glowing lichen and liquid water to take point.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at that. When Vega was being an asshole, he would use a different accent to throw the translator off. It was a wonder the younger man had gotten as far as he had up the ranks. But his actions on Fehl Prime had almost guaranteed him any post.

Kaidan shook his head and focused on the mission, increasing his pace to match Shepard's. "You really think it's the rachni?" he asked quietly.

"Full circle?" she asked in return, meeting his gaze briefly as they pressed on through the caverns. She shrugged. "No clue. It'll be a wild ride either way."

He chuckled at that. "Not too loud, Shepard. You'll scare the lieutenant."

"Already did that, amigo," Vega countered. Then one of the egg looking things popped on him. "They explode?" he demanded as he brushed at the goop covering his armor. "Really?"

He looked and sounded like he wanted off the ride.

Kaidan was amused until the smell hit him. "Ah, damn it."

"Huh," Shepard said, nose scrunching. "Rotten turnips." She cranked up the juice on her Firestorm. "Hold your noses, ladies."

* * *

_Rotten turnips is a reference to Kaidan's character quirk in **Redundant**. I'm more inclined to think the gestation pods smell like decomp or something just as gross - if not more so._


	31. El Diablo

**Prompt: El Diablo**

* * *

The little one ran from the opposite the prefab to the other. "Mi papa es el Diablo!*" she screeched.

Shepard looked up from her data pad. "Again?" she asked, eyebrow arched as her daughter took a flying leap into her lap.

James rounded the corner, a bag on his head, making grunting noises.

The little one squealed. There was a smile on her face so Shepard grinned.

"Tu papá no puede volver a vernos, Estela,**" she whispered. "Vaya él!***"

A squeal, a grunt, and thump later, James Vega and his family laughed as he and his daughter sat on the floor.

* * *

_Apologies for any translation errors. My Spanish is sooo rusty as to be nearly non-existent. Had to double check with babelfish. D:_  
_* My daddy is the devil!_  
_** Your daddy can't see us, Estela._  
_*** Go get him!_


	32. Wake up

**Prompt: Wake up**

* * *

Startled from the nightmare, Shepard's eyes flew open. Blinking against the light of the fish tank, she fumbled around, trying to get her bearings.

She couldn't shake the memories of the vivid dream and the hand that reached out to her. She shook her head, stumbling out of bed. The tank was cool against her forehead. A warm hand caught her shoulder, and though she'd just spent the night with him, she lashed out.

"Shit, Lola," James' gruff voice caught her attention. She blinked away the fog.

"James?"

He was on the floor, just as naked as he'd been hours before. His teeth were bloody. Her fist had connected with his mouth. "Remind me not to do that again."

She didn't know if he meant sneaking up on her while she was half-asleep or sleeping in her quarters. "Don't sneak up on me again, James."

She helped him up and patched him up in the bathroom.

"Abusive," he joked when she finished and put away the emergency kit.

She glared at him.

He raised his hands. "'Sokay. I like it rough."

"James."

The lieutenant got the picture and was silent a moment, studying her.

"Ghost still under the bed?" he asked quietly. He tugged her to him, nuzzled her neck. His hands were warm on her hips.

She gave no response, only leaned into him. After a moment she answered, "Lot of ghosts."

James' arms encircled her. "Yeah," he said, lost for words. She doubted he expected her answer. "Monsters are easier to hit. Ghosts. Well, they just linger, no?"

She nodded. "Coming back to bed?" she asked after a moment.

"Planning to do more than that, Shepard."


	33. Thin line between heaven and here

**Prompt: Thin line between heaven and here**

* * *

Ash stretched, body languid.

_Just pour me into a cup._

Or my armor.

She hadn't slept that good in a long time. Not since before the Eden Prime war. Unless you counted all the times she'd passed out from intoxication.

But this time though...

She rolled over and snuggled against the snoring frame, kissed the pale skin. This time had been that thin line between heaven and here.

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths," she whispered, applied another kiss to the shoulder. "Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light,  
I would spread the cloths under your feet...*"

The snoring became a snort. "Mmph, Doll. M'Schleeping."

Ash chuckled. "Not anymore." She kissed his shoulder again, gave a little nibble. "The alarm's about to go off."

"Nope." He stuck his head under the pillow. The next words were muffled. "Taking the day off. Medical leave. Missed my meds. Ask EDI."

"Doctor Chakwas ensured your pills were pulverized in your food, Jeff," EDI's voice came over the comm.

Ashley laughed as Joker grumbled. He groused some more about it being to early for words, but rolled over, hair sticking in directions God never intended it to go.

"It's warm and we're sleeping until the alarm goes off," he told her, kissed her nose and then cuddled up against her.

* * *

_*Aedh Wishes for The clothes of Heaven by William Butler Yeats - IDK. It fit with the prompt? Kinda? Poetry is not my forte. Fluff is definitely not my forte. I need to go maim something fictional now. D:_


	34. My computer is run by hamsters

**Prompt: My computer is run by hamsters**

* * *

The armory was quiet. Ash's omni-tool fizzled to life then promptly died. It took every effort to keep from stomping her foot at it.

"You should take better care of your equipment, muñeca," Vega said as he came up on her. He somehow managed not to smell like mass accelator vapor, sweat and old leather today.

He handed her a new omni-tool.

"Like yours is up to date," she groused, but took off the old and slapped the new one on her wrist anyway.

He frowned. "Damn straight it is. I'm no tech." He waved his own omni-tool at her. "I need this shit. Something happens to one of the techs, I'm fucked without this."

"Swear to God it's run by hamsters," she told him.

He shrugged but pointed to the terminal on the armory desk. "My computer is run by hamsters," he said. "Yours is run by space fleas, muñeca."

"I'm originally from Sirona, you ass. There aren't space fleas there."

He only grinned at her and turned back to his work. Ash collected her guns and left in a huff.

* * *

_Ehhhhh. Not exactly what I was going for. Space fleas reference my headcanon's the basket-ball-sized ones on Amaterasu._


	35. Perfectly normal, thank you very much

**Prompt: Perfectly normal, thank you very much**

* * *

"Eggs?" Ash looked at him like he'd grown three or four heads. "You have any idea how those taste after tequila?"

James shrugged. "Maybe I do, maybe I don't." He set the plate by her head. "You need to eat, muñeca."

The nickname is out of his mouth before he can stop himself. He likes her damn it. He only names those he likes.

"Call me 'doll' one more time, and I'll break you in half, LT." There was that sadness back in her voice.

"Just slipped out, LC. Won't happen again."

* * *

_This was a follow-up fill to a proto-James/Ash fill by **waiting4morning**._


	36. Brave

**Prompt: Brave**

* * *

The club was jumping when Ash appeared beside him. She looked good. White and grey jumpsuit sans the pink and white overcoat; it showed off her toned shoulders and arms and bitten nails. He had the perfect view down the front. She wasn't paying attention. No, instead, Ash was watching Joker talk animatedly to EDI at the table behind him.

James wondered if she even realized -

Her hand over her cleavage let him know she caught him and he grinned. He hoped it was a million credit smile instead of a sloppy drunk smile.

"Eyes up top, Jimmy," she told him, but her eyes darted back to where Joker was talking.

He couldn't remember if he'd ever been jealous before. Six shots in and he thought maybe there was a time a few years ago. A time before Fehl Prime when he allowed himself to feel something other than... other than whatever the hell it was now.

Six shots in and he really wasn't thinking all that straight. He wanted to tell Ash how beautiful she was; how talented she was; and how smart he thought she was. What came out was: "You look hot. You should dance here."

_Close enough._

He took another shot and his mouth kept running: "You gonna talk to him? Take him away from his ship and her titanium tits? Or you gonna talk to me? Take me away from the bar?"

Her eyes met his and he was really too drunk to be even standing let alone swigging back another shot of... was this shit water?

He thought maybe she said she wasn't brave enough about something. The music was really loud. When did it get so loud? She said something else before tapping her foot at him.

"I'm taking you away from the bar," she said finally. "Commander's order us back to the ship."

He only half-way heard her. Next thing he knew Esteban was there and they were both dragging him back to the airlock.

* * *

_Following up another fill from **waiting4morning**.  
_


End file.
